my aunt lily

masters everywhere and you put your finger on your lip and shush one than the other.

i want to tell you how it is i do not care one way or the other.

you can’t take the rising of the morning nor the setting of the sun to or from any one at all.

my aunt lily went blind at age 9, she took those images with her to the keys on the piano,

to the bones of our faces, to the nap of each fabric.

she knew us like most never would.

hers the softest hands, slow like new love and velvet.

she lived with two men.

her brother, sammy, whose one ear almost touched his shoulder, a bend that i’ve only seen

once before on the skinny man who helped to park the cars at the market.

it almost made me stand up, sit up straighter.

the other man was her sweet husband, my sweet uncle rolly. he held out both hands when he saw one of us coming. every single time.

their house was small and tidy and everything made sense.

it smelled like vanilla and love.

after them i never wanted to go back to church, never wanted to kneel, stand, sit, kneel,

just because i was suppose to.

it's mid-summer, my summer is in bloom...

xo

hola xo

one never knows where one

will find the sacred..

or the sunshine!

we are back from our time in pescadero..

back to vermont

and its lazy

spring time..

lazy as in slow

to lift its winter veil..

surprises seen each day

tulips poking out where

the tiger lillies are just beginning to rise!

almost a new year

fairly recently i was up in an airplane and again, when looking out,

i realized, and remembered just how small i really am. a dot on the

planet. as this great river snaked its way through

i thought so do i, wondering what/who/where/when/how i might touch, where i might be called.

with the end of 2010 coming around the curvy bend and a new year calling me to listen i want to say how important it is for me to pay attention to the still quiet voice that lives within. it is often difficult to silence the chatter that goes on within the head, the ears, the heart and to drop down into knowing and believing that all is connected in such a vast and beautiful way, yet i want to offer this to myself, and hope the same of all who are indeed connected; which is every one of us. it is a blessing to share. it is an honor to know it. xo

april showers..oh yes, we all know the words..and they seem to be coming true each moment.

it's almost as if i can hear the world expanding and opening. giving birth again and again.

birth and death.

the past few weeks here at my house we have felt and honored the deaths of two dear ones.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

springtime

springtime is everywhere.

there are fields of western redbud, lupine, and poppies.

forests of trillium and damp moss.

ferns uncurling.

two vultures picking at rib bones.

the smell of low fires and new hope,

and still there is the sorrow of death.

and the way the breath catches on snag within that hurts,

and a wish can not make it go away.

for now my silver has turned to gold

and neither, nor none of this is as precious as it once was.

if you dig a hole this is what you find.

if you bury something in that hole it can just about break your heart.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * *

the above are california images.

here in vermont, what i witness swelling are lilacs and daffodils and my own heart.

xo

own or rent?
buy or borrow?
have or not?

it's the almost blank wall that i choose to sit looking at.

after all these years of acquiring and collecting,
it's the small yellow wall in the kitchen
that seems to hold an answer.

you tell me your dream,
how you tried to carry the heavy sweetness back,
as if it could be bottled,
as if it could be returned,
like the plate the pie came on.

from now on i want to, each day,
give something away,
pass it on. let it go.
i think of the things i do miss,
a few i could hold in my hands.
the others as invisible as the air i pull through my nose,
as abundant as the snowflakes
that are falling from the silver sky.

for refusing to shine his shoes and her silver she was sent to live in the barn

never had she been happier,

she woke warm and happy

hay entwined with her golden hair

and warm milk filled her growing belly.

she was brayed and clucked to, the swallows filled her with song and seed

and the moon followed her everywhere.

weeks later when they came looking for her

she unfolded her wings and flew out the high open window,

she never thought to look back.

***********************************

happy holidays

here's to flying...

here's to not looking back...

here's to finding the sweetness in each of our lives,

our hearts, our intentions...

here's to sharing what we find.

xo

so now we come into this new season;

the flowers putting themselves to rest for the upcoming winter months,

the birds flying off to warmer waters and us going a bit deeper within.

it's been a time of passings and of carrying on..

the both/and of life and love.

i have had the recent honor to be, once again, wintess to the process of a dear one as she moved from this world into the next, i like to think of her, norma, now with the crows she so loved. circling and singing.

i am walking, writing, wondering, re-learning just where and what my center might indeed be.

larry and i celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary last week, we had every intention to head to the coast for an overnight, the timing didn't work out, but we still aim to sit soon near the ocean and remember and feels it's rhythm.

the kids all seem pretty darn good, even us being back here in vermont and seeing jesse, dylan and thea quite often xo i still miss them in ways that i find is hard to understand; the thens and memories, the 'need' we had for one another, and yet too i love to see them becoming more fully who they each are. clay; i miss his smile and strong sweet presence and it's also good he seems to be so happy in oakland. when i lay down at night with a good book and my larry i feel very full and content. blessed. and so my days begin. xo